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She ghosted me

Mom needs to jump on Zoom now, so Dad will bring you to bed.”

It’s just before 7:30 pm on a weekday evening. I have a Zoom appointment in my calendar with a woman who has booked a call through my online calendar. She is a successful coach and a recognized author, but she runs into all kinds of issues. Old fears and insecurities hold her back, she is not happy, frustrated, does not feel good enough and if she continues like this she is afraid of ending up in a burnout. She has already had so much coaching, training and courses, but is still looking for the missing piece of the puzzle. And I can help her…

I was well prepared for our intake meeting. As I always am, because I take such conversations very seriously. Not only because that is important for my business, but also for her to be heard and seen and to really get help.

I turn on the computer, paper and pen at hand and open the Zoom room, ready to start the conversation with her. And then… nothing…. She is not there. I wait, and wait… I check if I have the correct Zoom room name. I grab my phone and call her. Voicemail… and I take a deep breath….

She is a no-show.

Last year I enrolled myself in an online program to build Facebook communities. This program was hosted by a pretty well-known coach. In one of her calls, she admitted facetiously thought that after she makes appointments she would forget and not show up if she wasn’t getting frequent appointment reminders. And this made me question why…. Because I can’t imagine it would do her any good to ghost (especially when she has a diary because she is aware of her challenge of keeping appointments), and no showing up would also harm her reputation, professionalism and respectability, right?

no-show ghost

As a coach and mentor for women I am deeply fascinated by the female brain. So of course I am utterly intrigued by what could be the reasons for no-shows and ghosting. I also feel it’s such a pity, such as missed opportunity. Because who knows how many great things these women have already missed!

Why would professional, ambitious women ghost? Why do they take the trouble to schedule an appointment online and fill in the corresponding questionnaire, and then just don’t show up and not even cancel in time? And it seems to happen more and more often. It seems to become a trend.

I felt so called to investigate this female ghosting further, and to find the answer to why. Business coaches then explained to me: ‘Well Nikolien, because they are not your ideal clients. And that’s right. When a client is not serious, not committed, and does not want to go for it, I cannot and do not want to work with her. Period. But it doesn’t take away that I see this trend amongst women. Also with women who are in ‘the industry’ and who -I assume- would know better.

I felt there was more to it though, and then it hit me:

Women who ghost and don’t show up are afraid.

They are afraid of being talked into something, afraid of having to say ‘no’, afraid of insecurity, afraid of owning their shit, afraid of being disappointed and lose hope, afraid of transformation, afraid of who they become without their issues, afraid of the future, afraid of unsafety, afraid of rejection, afraid to fail, afraid of losing their identity, afraid to ask for help and be vulnerable, afraid to not be loved…

And then it all became clear to me:

The real reason women don’t show up for their appointments is also the exact same reason why they don’t get what they want in life!

Now let’s be honest, do you recognize this? Does fear stop you sometimes too?

Do you have fears that keep you small, fears that prevent you from flourishing in work, relationships, or doing what you are made to do, there are your inner glass ceilings and sabotage you to go to the next level, to get abundance, success and happiness?

Whatever you are not changing you are choosing!

So if you are choosing not to be stopped by fear, put your big girl panties on. Be brave and bold. And take the first step: Show Up

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